Finding Light In The Darkness

Today I sat in my institute class, provident living, savoring every last bite of the mini apple pies we made. The thick cinnamon melted over the chewy apples in a flaky crust brought pure gratification to my hungry tummy. You might ask why this is even a topic of discussion? You see, there was once a time when that apple pie would have brought mass amounts of drama; I was afraid to eat pie, along with every other food.

In my early teenage years I struggled with anorexia. Like all eating disorders, anorexia is a complex  biopsychosocial disorder. No, this does not mean a person who battles an eating disorder is crazy. In fact, researchers all agree that genetics loads the gun, and the environment pulls the trigger. While I can't be certain where the genetic link in my family lies, I can trace the prospect of an eating disorder back to my great aunties who were in the entertainment business in London during the early 20th century. As far as environment, I had a good childhood, a loving family, good friends, and I was actively involved with school activities and other such hobbies. The only person who pushed for perfection was me. I always tried to be my best self, but sometimes it wasn't good enough; I always strived to achieve more, to be more. The memories are still as clear as day: how and when it all started, the ritualistic habits, my obsession over food and nutritional labels, exercise. I was a prisoner in my own body. I felt trapped, lost in my own mind.

Overcoming my eating disorder took several years. While it took almost two years to get my body healthy and strong, it took even longer to overcome the fear. I had to change my way of thinking in several aspects of my life. I had to learn to love and my embrace my body amidst a society that celebrates and idolizes unrealistic ones;manipulating people with the magic of Photoshop. I learned that perfection is impossible to achieve; however, trying your best and never giving up proves to show even greater strength of character. Most importantly, I learned that food is not something I must control in order to feel whole;  it’s merely my fuel and nourishment.

I was so fortunate to have my family and good friends by my side every step of the way. Amidst my darkest of days, I discovered some of the greatest gifts I've been given in my life. No, I wouldn't ever change what has happened in the past. The experiences I've had throughout my life have shaped me into the person I am today, and I sure do love that person.

I'm not blogging about my experience to draw attention to myself or for a pity party; rather, to send the message to those who are struggling to keep on going, don't give up on yourself, and don't let your insecurities out-shine your beauty and charecter.